Monday morning I read a post about all of the scary things going on in our world right now, especially targeting young women that are alone in stores. Well, that describes me a lot of the time! I kept reading and it just made me scared. The feeling of knowing someone can be watching your every move is terrifying. The post shared things to do if, heaven forbid, someone does try to attack you. Poke their eyeballs, scream, pinch their arms, pepper spray, etc. This made me feel better, then I remembered I have my handgun license. I am sure this comes as a shock to some of you, but it is what I wanted for my 21st birthday so I have it.
ALL OF THIS TO SAY, I realized I needed some practice. I want to feel extra confident and safe if I ever decide to carry in public. I started to look up gun ranges and got down the box of ammo I have. The stress and triggers began. I immediatly recalled the times my ex-husband and I would go to the gun range, his knowledge of the subject and his care/safety for me. This hurt. This was hard. I sat on the floor in the laundry room as I searched through the ammo and just cried. I didn't know what ammo went with what gun! I had so many options and knew this wasn't something I could just guess on.
I wished I could text him and do the whole, "hey babe which one goes with which?" text or even have him come with me to make it a fun date! But nope. Sorry but no! He is so far gone so I get to do this alone. I texted my grandpa who got me all of the supplies a while ago and of course he helped me get it all figured out. The problem wasn't that I didn't know what ammo for what gun, the problem was that I wanted to have my ex be there and get to help and teach me.
But that isn't what God wanted. God's plan for me is to not be with my ex anymore. That is super clear and I have very much come to terms with that and accepted it! I want what God wants. But that doesn't mean it will be easy. That doesn't mean I won't have triggers. I will have triggers! But, I get to find the best way to manage and cope with them.
I called my mentor and just asked her to pray for me. I told her what caused my hurt and explained the situation. Talking it out helped me, and of course her prayer helped me too. I am a huge words of affirmation girl, so my mentor told me she was so proud of me for reaching out to her and sharing my hurt...not stuffing it. This is huge!! Find your person and be open with them...you will not regret it.
I blogged a few months ago about the time a song came on that reminded me of my ex and what I did. I didn't turn it off. I didn't get angry. I chose to sit there and listen to the song. This was a trigger! I prayed and asked others to pray for me too. That is a way how I work through my triggers. I will probably have them for a while in my life!
I looked up "triggers for divorced people" and music was one of them! Also listed was the house, friends, memories and pictures. The gun range was a memory. The song was music. Pictures? Yikes. I deleted all of those the second I left the courtroom. I did not need to see them or let them be a trigger! Delete!
I share all of this to say, whatever you are going through, recognize your triggers and work on them in a healthy way. Talk to God about them! This has been good for me because then I KNOW God knows where I am at. He knows because I told Him. God knows everything, but it is so helpful for ME to tell Him things. It just works! Psalm 66:19-20 says, "but surley God has listened and has heard my prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love for me." Amen!
Also, find a friend or mentor that you can share with. Don't stuff your hurts! Be open and talk to those that love you about the triggers. I know they will be honored that you are sharing and be excited to pray for you specifcally.
Also also, take your thoughts captive and tell satan to get the heck outta your head. I tell satan to leave SO many times a week. It 2 Corinthians 10:5 says to, "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ". When I am thinking about things from my past, how can I take that thought captive and be obedient to Christ? I often will stop and pray and just thank God for what He has given me and say how excited I am for the future and what God has in store for me. P.S. this also helps me grow my relationship with Christ. Just talking to Him! I love it!
It has also been helpful for me to accept the fact that things in life WILL remind me of my ex. It has officially been over a year since he left, and this situation happened this week. I am thankful to say that these happen so much less than a year ago, but they still happen. Be okay with this! It takes time to heal. I am weirdly enjoying the healing journey because I know that it will just keep getting better and better as time goes on!
I am praying for you, friend. I have been lovinggg getting to pray for my blog readers as a whole, but would also love to specifically be praying for you. Drop your name in the box on the homepage and I would be so thrilled to get to pray for you!
xoxo,
Morgan Leigh
Here is me at the gun range. I went by myself and had the best time! I am typically an extrovert, but have been realizing lately that I really do apprecaite time to myself. This was fun! It was good to create new memories, even if it is just me🎉
Comments